The Need for Speed by Debbie Mascot
A collection of letters to my friends...
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Dear Friends,
AOL. It's what I use. You can stop reading now if you are just going to trash it, because this isn't a trash AOL writing (much). I've had AOL since I've had the internet and I've had VERY few problems (that I know about). So what if they hold back my newsletters in addition to whatever they consider group mail until they are less busy. So what if the browser limits the kind of scripts that can be used and so what if the mail isn't quite HTML and isn't quite plain text. It's the price I pay for the ease of the system and for keeping the same address that I've always had.
So I have AOL. Sue me.
But... I couldn't leave it there. I wanted more. I wanted to have cake and consume it, too. At high speeds.
Digital Subscriber Line (DSL) through AOL. Sigh.
That was last month. I finally got the new modem and then hooked it up. It didn't work. I had to call the modem people's "Help" Desk and they had me do everything 100 times. Nothing worked. And then I got cut off and when I called back, they were closed. Even though the pretty DSL pamphlet says they are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Evidently this is in special Modem Time, which varies drastically from Earth Time. So I called back the next morning and they made me do the same 100 things as the night before. Then they said, "Oh... You have the FIRST edition of Windows 98." Yes. I do. I told them that in the BEGINNING (aka 2 hours before). I had to download special drivers in order for it to work.
And by "work" I mean in order for the modem people to tell me that it was now an AOL problem.
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Dear Friends,
I called AOL today. "You were 'provisioned' on the 16th, Ma'am." Side note: "provisioned" is a new verb to me. I THOUGHT it meant that service was provided as of that date. What it really means is that July 16th is a date that exists in the history of time. That's all it means. "You were 'provisioned' on the 16th, Ma'am, but they could test the line for a week or so and so you may not be able to connect for about 7 days." I confirmed that I should be good to go on the 23rd and a whole-hearted YES was the response. "And if I'm not, I just call back and you'll trouble shoot it for me?" "Yes, Ma'am, that's correct."
I'm so patient.
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Dear Friends
I called back my pals at AOL today. "My DLS line still doesn't work." I went through the names, dates, places, etc. of my prior transactions, but Dennis didn't care. Dennis transferred me to the DSL ordering department, where Carrie was delighted to assist me in ordering my new service. I explained everything to her and after a good 2-minute pause, she realized that she was confused and unable to assist me in the transfer back to the "Help" Desk, since I definitely didn't need to do any ordering. I hung up and started over.
Then I got Terrick, who got to experience my wrath. He told me that I wasn't actually provisioned until the 20th and so I'd have to wait until the 27th before any troubleshooting could begin. I asked him if, when I called back on Saturday I would be told that: a) nothing could be done because it was Saturday; or b) my provision date wasn't the 20th but was actually some other date. He assured me that neither of those things would be said. He then gave me his extension so that I could talk to him personally.
Terrick is my new best friend.
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Dear Friends,
Saturday I was out of town, so I waited and called my former very best friend in the whole wide world Terrick this morning.
Evidently, AOL has "service" centers everywhere so an extension gets you nowhere. No Terrick existed at the "service" center I called this morning. Terrick is now on my enemy list and no longer my new best friend.
I had to start all over with Anna. We did those same 100 things as the first day and none of them worked. Then she moved on to other things before deciding to put in a problem ticket. This was after an hour and a half on the phone with her. The things she had me doing, too... "Is your modem in the stand that came with it?" No. Because I want it lying flat and don't need it to be sideways. "I'll need you to put it in the stand." She had me dump the cache (hello?!? AOL does not find or recognize the existence of the darn DSL modem! Ditching cache files is not going to do anything). But I did it all, just to prove it. Maybe I was on Candid Camera. "Let's watch Debbie as she stupidly and needlessly empties her cache and deletes her AOL art files."
Idiots.
She gave me my problem ticket number and also something called a "Sherlock" number for future reference. If I don't hear back from them within 7 days I need to call again. I then clarified that my free 30-day trial starts when the product actually works and they said that it starts as of the provision date. Which they confirmed to be the 16th (not the 20th as Terrick had told me). I had issues with this concept as I figured it be great to try the product for 30 days not try to see if I could get the product to actually work within 30 days. She offered to transfer me to the billing department. But then transferred me to Carrie in the DSL ordering department again. Remember Carrie? The blank-stare-even-on-the-telephone woman? I hung up.
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Dear Friends,
Yesterday when talking to AOL Anna, she asked where they should call me and I gave my work number. However, some doofus named Larry called at 2:30 on the DSL line. The DSL line does not have a phone attached to it because I still have to have the regular computer modem attached to it. So Larry got my voice mail and said that he was there for my appointment, which I didn't know I had, and since I missed it I'd have to call customer service to reschedule.
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Dear Friends,
This morning, AOL got a copy of all the previous letters only without the darns and stuff. I'll save those for letter #2.
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Dear Friends,
Today the DSL people are supposed to come over and figure out what's wrong. Marc will be there to yell at them. It's probably something stupid that is all my fault so that I'll feel like a real moron. Oh well. I'm not amongst the stupidest people I've met, so if I can mess it up, anyone can and the "Help" Desk should know how to take care of it. So I'll not feel bad about causing all this uproar.
Speaking of uproar, I've not heard back from Customer Service about my letter. Wonder if AOL checks email?
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Dear Friends,
They came out and talked to Marc about the DSL line today. The modem is bad. They are sending out another modem, which we get to pay shipping on. YAY! They will reimburse us, though.
In my next life.
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Dear Friends,
AOL Kenny called on my DSL line at 4:21pm yesterday to inform me that my DSL line was now operational and they hoped that I was enjoying my service. Yesterday was the day they were ordering me a new modem because the one they sent me didn't work. Since that happened at roughly 10am and then they called at 4:21pm, I wonder who they thought they were using for shipping?
I'm sorta getting the impression that the right hand and left hand are having a bit of a communication problem.
I do believe they could use some counseling.
Kenny also gave me my case number, which is what you refer to in CASE you are lost in the right-hand/left-hand black hole like I am. However, it does help if, when you give me the case number, you give me a valid case number. Right-hand Susan, who I called today, said that case numbers always start with a letter, not a number. Kenny is, evidently, a lefty. I had to hang up because I was pretty sure that all the good words that I left out of my un-answered AOL letter would be spewing forth at any moment. And they would be new words to little Susan's ears. Perhaps new and shocking words. Perhaps words that would get her little right-f#$@-handed f#$@ing mouth washed out with f#$@ing soap for f#$@ing repeating. I feel better having said that.
I'm still lost in the black hole, but at least there is air and coffee here. What more could one want, really?
Air, coffee, and the unobtainable dream of one day accessing the internet at high speeds.
Update: I now have DSL. It was worth it.