The Heat by Debbie Mascot
It's hot.
I know it's hot because I'm fairly comfortable and don't need the heater on. I know it's hot because Marc won't sleep with me in the bed, preferring the one air-conditioned room over the added body heat of his wife. I know it's hot because my kids sleep on their backs with their legs all spread like little kitty sluts. I know it's hot because my plants all look like they are whispering, "Please uproot me and put me out of my misery." I know it's hot because I only wear the Emergency Sweater in the mornings.
Does every office have a communal Emergency Sweater? One that is so hideous that everyone knows that you didn't "plan" on wearing it, which is why it doesn't match the outfit? (I plan on wearing it daily, but no one really needs to know that) We do. Ours is white with stains and pen marks on it. It's all stretched out in the sleeves and hangs long in back and short in front. I took it home and washed it once. The line of buttons in the front, I guess, couldn't withstand the Debbie Washing Technique and shrunk, making the front shorter than the back.
The Debbie Washing Technique is a tried-and-true method. It separates the good items from the bad. You let items sit in the washing machine until mildewed. Then you wash again (to get the mildew out). Then you dry it. And then send it through another drier cycle 4 days later to try to get the wrinkles out from sitting in the drier for 4 days. When that doesn't work, send it all back through the washer. Sometimes these steps are all repeated as necessary.
The Emergency Sweater didn't withstand. But it still works as an Emergency Sweater. And I wear it daily to protect myself from the blast of frozen tundra that is emitted from the vent directly above me. If we had Emergency Earmuffs, I'd be wearing them.
It's funny to watch people as they come back from lunch. They are all red-faced and sweaty and complaining that today actually FEELS hotter than yesterday even though their car temperature gauge says that it's not. My car does not have a temperature gauge. I just turn the air conditioning on until I'm cold and then the heater on until I'm hot and go back and forth like that the whole way home (usually the heater is full-going on the way to work). But these folks have fancier cars that tell them today isn't as hot as yesterday, even though it feels hotter. And they come back from lunch and get sweaty and red-faced and grumpy just from a walk from the car to the stairs to our suite. And then they see me wearing the Emergency Sweater and give me the patent-pending Look of Are You Insane.
That was rhetorical so you can stop answering.