Mascot Manor

Morning came and they brought in The Carrying Case. The hideous Carrying Case from hell. Nothing good EVER comes of The Carrying Case. Ever. The Dad forced me inside and I resorted to the Howl. Can you believe that The Howl wasn't even annoying enough for them to let me out? Ugh. Idiots. All of them. Especially the Screeching Mauling Little One, who was LAUGHING at me! Can you believe it? Brat. They should really do something about her. Then The Momma picked up The Carrying Case (with me in it!) and took me to the scary place: Outside. Strangers are worse than Outside, but not by much. You see, I'm not dumb. I know where Strangers come from: Outside. Lots of those little buggers out there. Scary Outside Strangers. She locked me in a thing called a car and then the Loud and the Moving Without Walking started. So I howled louder in case The Momma hadn't noticed. I figured it could never get worse than this.

Until...

We got to the More Horrible Place than Outside: The Vet. She thought I wouldn't notice since it was a different The Vet. But I did. The smell is unmistakable. I'm sure a thousand cats have peed their fear away in this room. And the table! Oh my God, the Table! My nails were slip sliding everywhere! Velvet would be a much cozier surface. Why don't they every ask us? Jerks. I hate Strangers, Outside, The Vet, and about two hundred and six other things you'll hear that happened to me in a minute. It's unbelievable, the horror. Oh yeah. I also hate when people say, "The Horror." Or "We are Beatrice." Anyway, they stroked and poked at my back (the non-purring kind of stroking and poking) and then, (you are so not going to believe this), they TOOK ME AWAY FROM THE MOMMA! I was in the actual ARMS OF STRANGERS! I was sure this was the worst of it.

Until...

They took off my hair with a stick and poked me with needles! A lot! I heard mention of "fat", "obese" and "can't find an abscess". What do these things mean? Where is the talk of Big Boy Kitty Newbie Jones and how handsome and beautiful? Where is the finger sticking out and The Momma saying, "Where are you going on vacation?" and then I ram her with my marking cheek and she says, "The Poke-a-Nose!"? Where is the constant admiration? All I got with The Strangers was stinging needles withdrawing fat from my back. Oh my God. Then they put me in a cage and left! Where was The Momma? She surely didn't just leave me? Oh. I heard her voice. She's talking to The Strangers. She is going to yell at them about how horrible they are to her Big Boy Newbie Jones. Heh. They are in for it now! I heard many things. "Couldn't aspirate anything", "concerned it's a tumor" "take it out" and then the scariest of all, "He is obese and needs to be on a diet." Me? I'm just a Big Boy. I'm not fat. Or obese. So what if I weigh 23 pounds? I'm Big Boy Kitty Newbie Jones! Diet... right. You just try it! I will teach you! And I thought diet was the worst of it. The Momma would come get me and try to measure and limit my food intake at home. Yep. Here she comes. I'm laughing already. One night of constant crying for food and she'll cave. Ha. I'm cocky now!

Until...

She said, "Bye-bye, Newbie Jones. I love you" She pet me and kissed me and the LEFT!!! She forgot me! How could she just forget me? The Screeching Mauling Little One and the Dad are going to kill her! They will send her right back here for me. I'll sit tight and make these howling noises for the Masochistic Vets. See how they like it. Any time now, The Momma will be back for me with an embarrassed look. I'm sure The Dad will say, "Where is my Newbie Jones? You forgot him?!?! No diet for my Big Boy Newbie Jones NOW, you horrible awful The Momma!!!" And he'll either come for me or send The Momma. I just know it. Here comes the Needle Vet. I'm going to howl at her.

Until...

Suddenly, I'm waking up and there is less of me! How dare they! They didn't even try the diet! Just removed part of my body and put staples and a tube in!? This is torture! I'm sure that I will find a way to report them for animal abuse. OH! What if they are using me for medical experiments?!?! Who can I find? How can I get help!?!?! OH MY GOD! Then more sleep.

Until...

The MOMMA!!! She came back! There she is! Just on the other side of this cage! Hi, The Momma! HI!! Get me! Take me home! Don't you see me marking you? You are MY The Momma! Look! She's kissing at me. She's not going to leave me. She's getting me! Hey... Hey! You! Scary Vet Lady, get away. I want my The Momma! Okay. I'll let you bring me to her, but then back the heck off! The Momma! I love my The Momma. Wait... what is the mortifying hat thing with cartoon cats? You are so not putting that on my head. You are not! No! I have to wear a kitty poncho? No! The horror!!!

But the upside is that I am now a $675 cat without a hideous back tumor. Oh, and that Big Boy Baby Jack has to go on a diet with me. Neener neener neener.